Suicide was not an option
by KawaiiKitsuneGirl
Summary: Yato wears his neck scarf for a reason, but he never wears it with pride. It reminds him of times now passed, but death remains the easy way out and he knows it (but it's only a way for weaklings and Yato is never weak)
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Just a little theory I have about Noragami. I wondered why Yato wore a neck scarf, and for some reason, this is what I thought. Plus, his relationship with Tenjin was awesome and needed a proper explanation. Therefore, this.**

 **Enjoy! I feel that there really aren't enough Noragami fanfics in this universe. Here is one more. My contribution to the amazingness that is this series. This started off as a one shot about Yuki and the neck scarf, but has extended itself into a three shot, two of which have been currently written, so I shall write the middle one tomorrow and post those two then.**

* * *

Yato grimaced, and stared at the blade in front of him. It shone with a dull silver glow; nothing like the ethereal light of his shinki but more than good enough for him now.

He didn't deserve to hold another's life in his power, had no right to that responsibility, not after the way he had failed the last one.

It was with this mindset that Yato stood in front of Tenjin's shrine, doing something that he never normally did- praying.

He assumed that it was a different feeling when one prayed to a god that they didn't know existed, but Yato was aware that Tenjin was a real person with real powers and therefore perfectly capable of helping him with knowledge of how to change, because Yato was tired.

He was tired of living this life of bloodshed, of desperation and danger, but it was the only way he knew how to survive and the only way he had ever lived. In fact, he wasn't sure that it was even possible for him to change but if there was the slightest possibility that life could take a turn for the better, he wanted it with nearly all of his being.

The part of him that protested was the part that had been born on the battlefield, which lived for the gore and glory that only battlefields wrought, but it was a minority to the more humane parts of him that had had enough suffering to last a lifetime.

He swallowed his pride and bowed his head, whispering one last prayer to the god and then, in one swooping motion, cutting off half of the length of his dark hair and allowing it to fall to the ground along the remains of his life as a calamity god.

Yato was a god of fortune now. He had to do his best to remember that.

* * *

For the next decade or so, Yato thrived as a god of fortune (there were lots of jobs that he could do as a god who didn't turn down anything as long as no killing was involved) and he started to carry around a money bag, swapping his five yen coins for notes so that they would be lighter and making good progress with his reformed self.

He didn't really think of Tenjin much during that time, having never met the man, and only briefly recollected the visit to the shrine and his prayers- he tried his very best to stay away from memories of a time before now- but every time he did see something relating to Tenjin, he sent a small thank you in his mind for granting him the knowledge of a different way to live, a better way to live and a prayer to help him continue like this.

Every so often, he would cross paths with Nora, who whispered sweet words into his ears and tried to coil promises around his eyes, but Yato stood strong throughout that decade and refused to return to his previous life. He was a new person, a new god, and he was going to keep it that way, right up until the turn of the decade.

Being a god, Yato didn't pay much attention to the keeping of time (he had the rest of eternity if he played his cards right) and so he didn't even notice that a decade had passed since his reformation; all he noticed was the fact that he was getting less and less jobs.

Lesser gods weren't so important nowadays, and like it or not, that's what Yato was.

The major gods still thrived with business, but Yato's life was getting tougher and tougher until finally, he was forced to leave his rented flat and live on the streets (he couldn't afford it, not with his meagre income). He tried valiantly to keep up the jobs, but when his last five yen coin disappeared so that he could eat something, he gave in.

When Nora came by, the next day, she was more than willing to return to their old work and he received more money over those next few weeks than he had all year as a god of fortune.

It was a fact; war paid better than peace.

However, after he had the money to continue supporting himself for a little while longer, Yato threw Nora out again and returned to his streets, finding new ways to collect jobs and keep himself afloat on the sea of blood that he had created.

Once, he had managed to repent for the deeds that he had done, but now he was no better than the criminals and murderers he killed indiscriminately with Nora, and his nights became haunted with those faces (he woke up screaming and people merely told him to be quiet, if they noticed him at all).

During the days, he felt as though his hands were dripping with blood and he scrubbed them sore in any available water source, but they refused to become clean and the ghosts of the dead refused to stop haunting him, and no one saw him (he was invisible) and no one cared (what was the point?) and suddenly it all came to a head in that shrine.

He'd chosen it for sentimental value, and for the irony of the fact that the place that had saved him could now become the one that watched him die.

It was dark inside, musty too, but the plaques sparkled in the moonlight and Yato truly thought that he had found a beautiful spot to die. He wasn't going to simply fade away- he would much rather end this suffering now rather than be forced to wither away slowly over the course of a year or two.

After all, what was a year when you had had eternity?

Yato raised the dull sword that he had kept hidden for all these years, watched how the moonlight sparkled off that too (and at least he would die at the hands of a beauty) and closed his eyes in acceptance.

He pushed the sword swiftly down, and it cut into his throat just as it was supposed to and the pain felt good and right (it was about time he caused suffering to himself rather than another) and-

The sword stopped abruptly, and Yato cried out in despair.

He opened his bright blue eyes and stared at the man who held the sword that was only partially in his neck, the old man who was clutching it tight and beseeched the other with his eyes to just let it go and let him finish this.

"I'm sorry, Yato, you know I can't," Tenjin said and of course it was Tenjin, of course it was the man who he had prayed to for all these years and who had responded now, when he least wanted help.

 _Why couldn't you just let me die_ , Yato thought and he blacked out in Tenjin's arms.

* * *

When he awoke, it was to a friendly smile and a cup of hot tea pressed into his ungrateful hands, and he glowered at Tenjin who was waiting by his bedside.

"What-" _do you want_ , he tried to grumble, but his voice wasn't quite working as it should and he brought a hand up to find large white bandages wrapped around his neck and he scowled even harder.

"You'll be able to speak in a few weeks," Tenjin commented, but it didn't make Yato feel better. "If I hadn't been there, you'd have been dead right now, with a cut like that," he added and brought down Yato's mood even further.

"But of course, that's what you wanted, isn't it. You wanted to die, Yato," Tenjin said bluntly, and Yato flinched before he could help himself as he heard his intentions uttered out loud.

"After all these years of life, things got hard and you tried to take the easy way out, is that right?" he went on and the younger god felt shame at having his feelings interpreted in that way.

"Is that right, Yato," Tenjin pressed and Yato curled up into a ball, trying not to let the other man see the tears that had welled up in his eyes at his words.

"Oh Yato. What am I going to do with you?" he asked the teen, reaching out to stroke his hair gently, but Yato flinched away from the soft touch and sat up. He grabbed a pad of paper from the side of the bed and scribbled down _'Thanks, but no thank you'_ and handed the paper over to Tenjin as he carefully stood up out of the bed on the other side, sad to see that he wasn't wearing his previous set of clothes but deeming it irrelevant before he held his breath and jumped out of the window.

"Yato!" Tenjin shouted at the young god, but it was too late. He was gone.

Unfortunately for Yato, the window wasn't high enough off the ground to kill him and so he was only slightly winded as he hit the floor and rolled.

The dark haired god was bare foot and barely clothed, but he took off like a bird as he sprinted away from the shrine and the kindly old man who knew his secrets, forcing the tears back behind blue eyes as he returned to his life of misery on the streets.

He understood now though, so it was okay.

Suicide was not an option. It was only weaklings who tried suicide, and so Yato had to continue on and live life, no matter his true feelings.

Death was not an option.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Okay, so I finally got around to posting this. I'm sorry people! I didn't realise that this hadn't already been put up- thanks to the guests and users who reviewed and reminded me, and this was set a while before he met Hiyori or Yuki, so I felt that you guys deserved some of them, and so I'm gonna add this to the Noragami Big Bang.**

 **Because they are more awesome characters who are going to become even better in the Noragami season three! Yatta!**

 **Have a chapter. Or two.**

 **Dedicated to the awesome MJJK46 for their multiple reviews on my stories, multiple compliments and general awesomeness. Enjoy!**

* * *

Yuki stared hard at the light blue handkerchief that lay tied around Yato's neck.

Well, he assumed that it was blue considering how hard it was to tell what colour anything that Yato owned was nowadays (he honestly didn't know how everything the god wore became so dirty- did he enjoy wallowing in mud?) but a few of the cleaner patches visible indicated that the garment was blue.

Blue or not, Yuki wanted to know why Yato chose to wear such a dumb looking thing- it had no purpose in the world, there was no point in fashion statements when no one could really see them- he supposed sentimental value might be a valid reason, but surely it would be kept in better condition if it was a memento?

Then again, this was Yato. What people considered 'normal behaviour' were not rules to be applied to the minor god.

"Yuki?" Yato asked, turning around and looking back at Yukine with a confused expression. "Why are you staring at me? Is there something on my back? Ah! Is it a spider? I hate spiders! Get it off me!" he freaked, twisting his body this way and that as he tried to see the spider and presumably get it away from him.

"Yato…" Yuki tried quietly, becoming frustrated when there was no answer. "Yato," he said again, louder, but still no reply was fore coming. "Yato!" he yelled eventually and the god froze where he stood in some sort of contorted yoga pose (and Yukine was reluctantly impressed and a bit surprised by his flexibility), turning to where Yukine stood with wide blue eyes.

"There's no spider," the shinki told him, bracing himself for the blow up that was sure to follow, but pleasantly surprised when the silence continued. "…what?" he asked the elder, who was staring at him as if he had grown two heads, a set of wings and then flown off into the sunset with a chorus of elderly angels serenading him.

"Why were you staring at me, Yu-ki-ne?" Yato replied, separating the boy's name into three syllables and finally dropping his yoga position for one that was more comfortable.

Yuki shifted in spot for a moment, a little ashamed to be caught wondering about the god's private things, but screwing up his courage as he realised that maybe this was something big in Yato's life that he should know and bluntly asking "Why do you wear a neck scarf?"

Yato froze for a moment, but quickly bent over and started laughing. "Is- Is that what you've been concentrating so hard on for the past five minutes?" he choked out, wiping tears of mirth from his eyes and laughing even harder as Yuki flushed in embarrassment and pouted.

"Just answer the question, baka Yato-gami!" he snapped and his master finally straightened up to look Yuki somewhere closer to the eyes as he responded.

"It keeps my neck warm," Yato simply responded and Yuki was stunned into silence.

"It- It keeps your neck warm?" he asked, feeling like an idiot as he perused over deep meanings of the scarf and all this while there was a practical explanation.

"Uh huh! We should get you one Yuki!" Yato grinned, and Yuki snobbishly turned up his nose.

"No thank you!" he replied and stomped on ahead, knowing that this should be the end of that.

Only, it wasn't. Yuki may not have known Yato for very long, but he recognised the look in Yato's eyes as they shuttered off his true emotions before responding, and for some reason he had felt the need to conceal his feelings at the question.

So what was he hiding?

"Yato?" Yuki asked, stopping dead in his tracks and waiting for the older god to stiffly walk by with his hands in his pockets and nose in the air.

"What?" he answered. "Changed your mind? Would you like a neck scarf like mine after all?" Yato questioned, opening one eye a little to catch Yukine's reaction.

"No, I just…" Yuki started, and already a little convinced that this was a bad idea, leapt forwards and tore off Yato's scarf.

"Yukine! What are you doing?" Yato asked shocked, as his hand came up to massage his throat where the material had been roughly yanked off.

"I don't believe you! Why do you really wear this scarf?" Yuki pressed, waving the item around in the air to make his point.

"None of your business! Give it to me," Yato yelled, his playful eyes turning icy as he glared at Yuki viciously, hand still covering his throat.

"It is my business! You're my master! Now, tell me!" the shinki shouted back as he held back the shivers that tried to run across his spine at Yato's deadly stare.

"Yuki. Give it," the god growled, blue eyes piercing through Yuki in a manner very unlike himself in his attempt to get back the scarf, and Yuki made a mistake in moving closer to Yato.

In a flash, the scarf was stolen back out of Yuki's hands and Yato was behind him, tying it back into its place and ignoring his shinki's sputtering.

"Right. Let's go," Yato commanded, not quite back to his usual carefree self, but a damn sight closer than he had been moments before.

Yuki could only stand frozen in shock as he wondered just what he had seen. In the moments when Yato stole the garment, his hand had slipped down from his throat and Yukine had seen a silvery scar across his neck, straight and precise and entirely unexpected.

That kind of mark was usually fatal, and it also showed that someone had tried to kill Yato at some point or other.

"Come on Yuki! We've got places to be!" Yato yelled and Yuki rolled his eyes, hurrying after his master.

He was going to get that story at one point or another.


	3. Chapter 3

It wasn't until a year later that Yuki finally plucked up the courage to ask that question one more time.

He'd been close a few times, close to just blurting out that question, but every time he'd tried, the memory of Yato's indecipherable blue eyes turned to crystal ice stopped him and he would shiver back, repressing the thoughts.

This time though, Yuki was determined.

"Yato," he started, steel laced underneath his voice, and the Yato gami turned to face him, completely unsuspecting of what was to follow (but maybe he had a better idea than Yuki thought; that tone of speech wasn't used for much else but questions that Yato didn't want to answer).

"Yes, my Yu-ki-chan?" Yato chirped, hands still pressed loosely to the back of his neck where he lay like a ragdoll on the grass by the river.

"I'd like to know- I'd like to know the real reason behind your neck scarf?" Yuki stated, his nervousness causing the end part to come off as a question and not the solid statement he'd been going for.

"I thought we'd discussed this, Yuki," the blue eyed god responded, a warning hidden none too subtly underneath his forced light-heartedness.

"I know…but I'd like to know the real reason. You can trust me now, can't you? After all, you know everything about me…" he trailed off, eyes demurely watching the ground as he waited in a state of nervous tension for his master's reply.

"I know I can trust you Yuki, but…" Yato denied, slowly raising himself into a seated place next to the shinki as he made up his mind.

"Yukine. You are my regalia, my friend and the one I trust most. If I give you this secret to bear, I never want you to tell anyone," Yato stated quietly, bringing his face up to a position only a few inches away from Yuki's, blue eyes staring intently at the other, who gulped audibly and nodded, not breaking eye contact despite the blush forming on his cheeks from the close contact.

"N- not even Hiyori?" he asked quietly, nodding once more as Yato didn't even waver to tell him the answer. Yuki supposed that he had already known the response to that.

Yato sighed heavily and stood up whilst the blonde haired boy remained seated next to him. He looked off into the distance and thought about how to put it.

"Yuki…before you knew me, I wasn't always a good god. I was originally a god of calamity and war, but…I guess I opened my eyes to the truth of what I was doing. I tried to change…become a better person, a better god…but it was hard. I spent decades, maybe centuries on the streets, looking for work as a god of fortune but…as you know, gods of fortune don't get much," Yato paused, glancing down at Yuki who was hanging onto his every word respectfully.

He smiled slightly, a sad smile that wasn't often seen on the youthful god's face, and continued.

"I fell upon hard times. My shinki all left me, I had no home, no money, nothing left in the world…except Nora. She came to me as I lost the last of what I had…and I followed her. I followed her and used her…Yuki, I killed. I killed people out of selfishness, out of my own stupid need…I shouldn't have listened to Nora that day…" he confessed, a self decapitating smile now dancing wryly on his lips. Yato sat down next to the shinki, wanting him to know the weight of his secret that was the next part of the story.

"Yuki, please do not judge me by what I will tell you next…only one other person knows of this story, and that's only because he was there," Yato looked to the east, away from Yuki at this point, not wanting to watch his reaction.

"After I finished with Nora, when I saw what I'd once again done…I went back to where I was staying…and I…I- I tried to commit suicide," he whispered, not daring to turn and see his shinki.

"I failed…because Tenjin stopped me. He found me there and took me to his main shrine and tried to heal me, but I ran away. I ran back into the countryside and hid in the mountains for a few years until I was sure that he wouldn't follow me…I knew that I would be safe for those years whilst Tenjin still remembered who I was…and then I emerged back into the world like this, as a god of fortune,"

"I received the neck scarf as an anonymous gift the day after I returned to sleeping in Tenjin's shrine. He gave it to me…after all the trouble I'd caused him, he still helped me then and helps me now…he is a truly great kami," Yato finished his story, closing his eyes softly and swivelling his head back to Yuki.

"I- You went through all of that, Yato?" Yukine whispered in horror and pity, staring at his master in a new light.

"I never knew," he continued, but Yato cut him off there.

"No, you never knew, Yuki. I didn't want you to know. There's a reason that I wear this scarf- I don't want the world to see this- see my failure," the god replied in the same soft tone, looking ashamed of his mistake.

"I thought- I thought that maybe Bishamon or another god had- Yato, this is…why didn't you tell me?" Yuki asked faintly, becoming angry at his master.

"Why didn't you tell me!? Did you not think it was important? Did you not think that I had a right to know? Why, Yato!? Why didn't you trust me with this?" the teenager yelled, gritting his teeth with fury but cowering back as Yato stood.

"Why didn't I tell you, Yuki? It's not like you're the first person I've ever told, oh no. I told one other before that…but she didn't understand. She looked at me with- with pity! Like I was some wounded animal! It didn't even help her in the end…" Yato hissed back, his eyes flashing in a curious mix of defiance and hurt.

"What- what do you mean?" Yuki questioned, no longer sure of his position in the argument.

"I mean that…I told someone. A girl. In the mountains in those years afterwards,"

"She forgot me as soon as I left," Yato explained, sinking back down to the floor again.

"Yato…" the regalia choked, incapable of words.

"Oh Yukine…it's okay, it was a long time ago," Yato soothed the younger as he curled up in tears on Yato's lap. "I'm not going to do it again. Not with you around to look after," he added, hugging the boy closer and stroking his hair gently.

"But Yato…" Yuki wailed, burying his face again into Yato's top.

"Yuki…I didn't tell you this for pity or tears. I told you this…because you asked, and because I trust you," the god told him sadly, closing his eyes against the few tears that threatened to spill as he revisited the memories of those times.

Yuki didn't answer, just nuzzled closer to Yato like a cat as he petted his blonde hair softly.

"It's okay Yuki…it's fine now. It's alright now…" he whispered over and over again, listening as the teen's breathing slowly evened out and he fell asleep on top of him.

"Oh Yuki," Yato sighed fondly. "What will I do with you?" he questioned, continuing to stroke the sleeping regalia's hair as he looked up to the sky.

A single glistening tear fell down his face as he watched the clear night, the sun having long since set.

"Tenjin-san…thank you. I wasn't expecting it to be this way…but I think my wish has finally been granted," Yato whispered to the sky, fingering his scarf with the hand that wasn't currently entangled in Yuki's hair and grinning at the sky, suddenly feeling very cheerful.

"I think…that this way is best," he added and lay down on his back, shifting Yuki to lie on his chest as he snuggled up to the god and said god looked down at the boy.

"Suicide is not an option anymore, huh?" he breathed out, allowing his eyes to drift close and flutter shut.

After all, it wasn't only him in his world anymore.

He had a regalia to look after.


End file.
